my sisters under your porch take her home
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
