I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
