Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
