how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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