My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
