The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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