My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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