Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
