Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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