...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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