Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
