I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
