the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
