It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
