So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
my liver is dry heaving
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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