I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
