I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
zippers are such a cool invention
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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