i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize