Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
