can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
