Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am available for nakedness
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize