Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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