No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
