she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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