My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
