So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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