Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
