Old men and throwing up are my life now.
they need to just BURY HIM!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
