At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
