If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
