I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
