Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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