i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A+ Viking dick
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
