So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
