The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
