Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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