If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
