why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
third nipple confirmed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
