I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
