dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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