Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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