My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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