I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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