mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
