In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
