Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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