i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
