I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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