Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
