I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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