just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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