I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
