Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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