You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
