there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
