Cold hands, warm shart.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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