shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
is wine microwaveable?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mom said you looked used
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
