i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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