God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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