Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
