I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
FUCK WHALES
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