Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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